It's been 3 years since their case, it's been 2 years since their official vacuum (and I can't deny, I almost moved on, I almost did); I ignored every news about them, I ignored them, because everytime I reopened my memory about them, my heart ached. I still can't believe this could happen. Of course, delusion is always coming to a hardcore and butthurt fangirl, and I was. I am, a butthurt and hardcore fangirl. It was so hard that sometimes I thought of moving on and delete all memories about them but back then, it was too hard. It really was. Because of them I know everything now. Because of them I can understand what is happiness of doing fangirling, being perverts together with cyber friends in one fandom, even writing fanfictions, sadness of reading lyrics and watching live performances and concerts--everything. Because of them, I got so many friends I keep talking to until now. Same place, same purpose, same feeling.


and since their information of vacuum-ing, everything changed.

I can feel that, it really did. I rarely talked to them, because we were no longer having the same topic for conversations, we were no longer having a good thing to discuss, to laugh together, we were sad; everyone was sad, we expressed it differently, I chose to deny everything because truthfully, everything hurt.


today, I opened my folders of them, and I realized, how much I miss them. So badly, more than what you can see in my words now, or what you can see in my eyes now. more than that. I miss them so much that still, I can't move on. just, I can see them being apart like this. I don't know why, I just like them being together at one time, laugh together, doing skinship or else, just when they're together, I'm happy. as simple as that. They look like a family, and they seem like my family. They offer me home whenever I feel tired and want to ignore this world, they offer good melody and harmony just when I think I really want to die. Hyperbol, call it. but it's true.


I've been walking around this kpop world for almost 5 years and I've experienced so many times with many fandom. SHINee, Infinite, B1A4, and now EXO;
and still, no one can change that euforia when I spazzed a lot about tvxq. no one ever could. It's priceless, and even if it has price, I want to keep it right in my pocket forever so no one can steal it.


TVXQ, you know, you've filled my brain with such lesson, happiness, sadness, almost everything.
that I learn, life isn't all about flowers and sunshine, but also hard rocks and storms. I'm having it now; you are having it now.

I'm a butthurt, still. and I know I'm still keeping the faith.
Because you're 5, and you'll always be 5. (at least, in my heart)

I'm a butthurt fangirl, and I know I'm still waiting for you.
Eventhough I know, maybe I have to wait forever to have you back.
Eventhough I know, facts hurt a lot.
and maybe, lies can heal it for awhile.
or forever.